I attended the International Invasive Lobular Cancer Symposium in PIttsburgh at the end of September which was equally informative, encouraging as it was disheartening and frustrating. Listening to researchers and clinicians talk about the disease I had is a strange phenomenon.

 

Throughout this time since my diagnosis back in July 2020, I have tried not to be angry. The reflections in my memoir share this at length. Writing of my book itself enabled me to process so much of what was going on. 

 

However, during the conference, there were a couple of instances where the research suggested that I could have made alternative decisions regarding my treatment. This was hard to take –  I might not have needed the chemo or the axilla clearance. 

 

This frustration has bubbled just at the surface for a week or so, causing me to feel regretful. I’ve never felt angry about having cancer. Right from the start, I took the news as a message to myself and worked to make meaning of it. To change the way I look at the world and what is important. My health and taking care of my mind and body became paramount. Whilst reflecting on this yesterday I realised that much of this learning was accomplished during those long winter months as I was going through my chemo treatment. During the  cycle of life that established itself as I travelled along this 3 weekly rhythm  of sessions  I moved through so many emotions and physical states. 

 

It was here when I learnt how important it is to listen to my body and my nervous system to see what it needs and how to move from a state of imbalance and dysfunction in to a place of calm and regulation. How to find peace for myself. 

 

I learnt how to take tiny steps to make improvements in my physical well being – day by day working to improve my quality and range of movement after my surgeries. I learnt how to find joy in the smallest of moments and the silliest of things. To relish in being outdoors with my dog and never take for granted being well enough to do so. I learnt how much I cherish being physically active and how hard I am prepared to work to return to a place where I can take part in the activities I love – just for the sheer pleasure of it. 

 

I learnt a new rhythm of life. A slower, steadier pace that makes space to observe and appreciate what is happening as it is. I wouldn’t change that. Having realised that I can let go of that frustration and accept the decisions I made.